Hebrews 12:11

"All discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful, but sorrowful; yet to those who have been trained by it, afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness."

Have you ever gone through the amazing and terrifying experience of the Lord completely changing, molding, and reworking your life? That's where I'm at right now. Somewhere between that part in the above verse of sorrowful and righteousness. Everything about me is changing. I tangibly feel the Lord "messing" with my life... in a good way :-) So many nights of me being broken before the Lord, but I know He's taking those broken pieces of me and creating a whole new, clean, and beautiful vessel; fully equipped to serve Him in a brand new way.

My physical looks, my desires, my ministry, my friendships... I almost don't know what to think or say. Everyday someone tells me something like "You're countenance has changed, there's more joy in your eyes". It's totally the Lord. It's amazing the change that occurs when you in your flesh stop trying to perform and do things and stop and let the Lord have full control in your life, no matter how seemingly scary it may be. Obedience is better then sacrifice. (1 Samuel 15:22)

I'm going to have to make some big decisions in the next couple weeks that will affect the next two years of my life. Please be praying for me... I promise to fill my readers in soon when I have more details but it has to do with missions. But I do covet your prayers above all else as I seek the Lord and His plan for my life.

"When blood and water hit the ground,
walls we couldn't move came crashing down..."
~ Phil Wickham: True Love

Me and Moses

It's amazing to see God work on behalf of our obedience; despite our faults and inadequacies. One of the hardest things I deal with is speaking (which is why you are reading this on my blog instead of hearing it first hand!), and especially speaking to people I don't know.

I feel like Moses telling the Lord in Exodus 4 "Please, Lord, I have never been eloquent, neither recently nor in time past, nor since You have spoken to Your servant; for I am slow of speech and slow of tongue."

In Jr. High and High school I was in drama and theatre a lot. It may seem odd, that one who's afraid to speak, loved to act... but that's exactly what it was... acting. I had a script and I knew exactly what I was to say, feel, or do, and there was no fear of the unknown, just the fear of forgetting my line!

So many people, especially recently, have been encouraging me in this area and they feel like I should speak more and share those thoughts and insights I have... verbally.

I don't know why I am afraid... afraid of failing I suppose, but those times I do speak forth those truths, I'm amazed to see God work. I can imagine the fear in Moses' heart when the Lord commanded him to confront Pharaoh and lead the Israelites... but he did it and stepped forward, and God provided the words and amazing things happened.

Last night I needed to get dinner before going to church for a prayer meeting. I could not decide where to go or what I wanted. I got in my car... sat there for a minute... and prayed "God where should I go to dinner?"... and all of a sudden all I wanted was to go to the Coffee Bean for Coffee and a bagel... interesting choice for dinner, but that is where I went.

And then I met Allie.

I have to confess that I visit the Coffee Bean often... it tends to be my afternoon coffee choice... I usually hit up Starbucks in the morning (and yes, most people at both places know me by name now and what I'm going to order!) Anyways, a tall girl, whom I had never seen working there before, eagerly asked me what she could start for me. As she went off to make my Ice Blended White Chocolate Dream, I paid for my drink and bagel, and I couldn't get her out of my mind.

I normally hide away at restaurants and coffee shops and don't want to be bothered, easily engrossed in my own little world... but that night, something was different. I forsook the comfy chairs in the back corner of the shop and sat on one of the tall chairs at the counter that had me at the forefront of everything, and I opened up my Bible, started to read, and had my "dinner".

I was reading the end of 2 Samuel, but I couldn't get Allie out of my head. I prayed that she would come over to where I was and then all of a sudden she was there... slowly mopping the floor, but I think trying to get me to notice her as well. She asked me how my drink was, and I proceeded to speak and have a nice conversation with her. I don't know what came over me... This may sound a bit silly, but it is a major breakthrough in my little silent-keep-to-myself-world.

We didn't talk about anything deep, I just found out how long she's been working there, and how it was going, and if she's worked with coffee before, etc... she is a happy girl and was eager to talk to me. I hated that I was on a time constraint and had to run to church... but a relationship was made... and I am so looking forward to continue to speak with her and find out more about this mysterious person the Lord suddenly put in my life! And the best part was the joy inside me because I was obediant to the Lord :-)

Jeremiah 1: 5-9

Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, And before you were born I consecrated you; I have appointed you a prophet to the nations."

Then I said, "Alas, Lord GOD! Behold, I do not know how to speak, Because I am a youth."

But the LORD said to me, "Do not say, 'I am a youth,' Because everywhere I send you, you shall go, And all that I command you, you shall speak.

"Do not be afraid of them, For I am with you to deliver you," declares the LORD.

Then the LORD stretched out His hand and touched my mouth, and the LORD said to me, "Behold, I have put My words in your mouth..."

Stop and be Overtaken

I left for a walk yesterday afternoon, somewhat unsure of my destination... I just needed to be alone with my thoughts and with my God. My Ipod played worship music in my ears as I drowned out the sounds of all that was going on around me. I crossed over the 101, I passed the Junior High, and further on past Reality Carp. (my church) and ended up at the beach, where I found my favorite picnic bench waiting for me to come and sit.
I sat there staring out across the ocean and soaking up the warmth of the sun. I had been feeling unfocused, confused, overwhelmed. But those moments sitting there at the beach, everything seemed to finally stop.

"Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that He might lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you." ~1 Peter 5:6-7

The God of the universe cares for Me... little 'ol me... sitting at the beach in Carpinteria. That thought seemed to melt some of the drama swimming in my head, away. I love the Lord. I read somewhere in a devotional last month, that the longer we are patient and wait for God to reveal His will and/or wait for God to work, the more glory He gets. And that's what I want to be all about, getting God more glory.

My friend called and asked if I'd meet her down aways at Jelly bowl (a different part of the beach). I walked through the campgrounds and over the cliffs to Jelly bowl and sat waiting for her. To my delight, out across the ocean towards the islands, I saw the tell tale signs of whales spurting water, and then watched as they breached the surface of the ocean. I like whales. Down near the tide pools, there was a flock of Pelicans... I like them too. All around me was God's creations... later I'd watch seals play in the surf, squirrels scamper up the hillside, my friend throw a handful of sand at me...

God is so good. It's important to have these times of sitting and soaking up all that He has placed around us. It refreshed me and brought a smile to my heart. Seems backwards that to keep pressing on, I need to stop. But in those moments when I stop, my eyes re-focus, and I remember the Lord is in control, and His will is perfect. Isaiah 64:4 tells us that God wants to act on behalf of those who wait for Him... it's an important lesson I'm continually learning... wait and see God move.

In Deuteronomy 28:1-2 it says that if we are obedient, then the blessings of God will overtake us... I want that. And how much easier for something to overtake you, then if you stop in your plans and see what the Lord is doing... Overtake me Lord... here I am... and now... back to the beach I go!